Jokes: Oscars Edition!

Michael Buscemi played his role well in Black Kkklansman. He did the best portrayal of Steve Buscemi as a cop.

Black Panther star Michael B Jordan stated that he’d like to audition for roles not intended for African-Americans. “Ron Stallworth” was a missed opportunity.

Emma Stone’s “Abigail” character in The Favourite has an interesting relationship with Queen Anne. Best relationship her character has had with someone large and in charge since Superbad.

Bohemian Rhapsody is nominated for Best Picture along with The Favourite. All the film critics will be calling it “The Battle of Two Queens.”

A Star is Born was performed impeccably by Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga. The success has spawned a sequel entitled A Star is Born This Way By a Bad Romance The Night Before The Hangover.

Prince William, Don Cheadle, Miranda Lambert, Bryce Harper, Oscars

Prince William and Prince Harry are looking to divide Kensington Palace into two separate “courts” to ease the tensions between the brothers and their wives…and you thought it was the USA who was going to build that wall!

On this week’s Saturday Night Live, host Don Cheadle wore a Soviet Union hockey jersey with Trump’s last name on the back and “45” as the jersey number during the goodnights. When Trump saw this, he called Putin and told him, “Dude. rump Plaza, not Rockefeller Plaza.”

Country singer Miranda Lambert married Brendan McLoughlin on Saturday. It’s probably common knowledge that Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani were not invited to the secret wedding, no doubt.

The Philadelphia Phillies are a front-runner to land former Washington Nationals outfielder Bryce Harper.  This will be the biggest loss in Washington since Michael Dukakis gave it up to George H.W. Bush.

The Oscars are going to air every category in response to recent protests. Yes! You are going to be able to watch every category “Best Title Writing,” “Best Assistant Director,” and “Best Coffee Run.”

A New Jersey groom was arrested at his own wedding in Pennsylvania for sexual assaulting an underage waitress. No need to worry about the groom sabotaging his own wedding because the Pennsylvania State Penitentiary is holding a new ceremony for him and “Big Guns” McGillicutty.

Elizabeth Warren declared her candidacy for President this weekend, which is good because the Democratic Party was worried out of their minds about a light candidate pool this election.

Pete Davidson has been spotted with actress Kate Beckinsale. After the elder actress nabbed the SNL cast member, all I have to say is, I see what you’re doing, UK. Recruiting American celebrities for the Royal Army’s loyalty. Well played, Great Britain. Well played.

The National Inquirer made another threat to Bezos about publishing more obscene text messages between him and Lauren Sanchez. They’re calling it Operation: The Also Sent Section.

The NBA trade deadline passed this week, so did a big opportunity for the New Orleans Pelicans…to change that damn name.

 

 

LeBron, Hemsworth, Rubio, Roger Stone, Trudeau

LeBron James caught some flack for dedicating a “slow jam” to rival Boston Celtics’ player Kyrie Irving. This is the first time a James dedicated something to a Celtic since James Joyce wrote Dubliners.

Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth have now made their first public appearance as a married couple. You know what they say. First comes love, then comes marriage, then enters Luke Hemworth with lodging disparage.

Florida senator Marco Rubio told the press that he doesn’t know of anyone calling for American intervention in Venezuela. If you look at the polls, he also didn’t know of anyone that wanted him to be president, either.

Former New Jersey governor and presidential candidate Chris Christie told the press about the Roger Stone indictment, “If I had a nickel for every time I had a defendant tell me when I was U.S. attorney that something was out of context, I’d be a rich guy and I’m not.” Now, if he had a nickle every time he ate 30 chicken wings in 20 minutes at Touchdown’s, he would have his own country.

Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau fired his ambassador to China after a controversial comment made about Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou. This is the biggest dissapointment engineered by a Canadian since Seth Rogen starred in The Green Hornet.

 

Canada, Chris Hansen, Ocasio-Cortez, Covington Catholic High School, Lakers

During the government shutdown in the US, the Canadian Air Traffic Control Association bought several pizzas for American government employees working in 36 different facilities without pay. While we’re sure they were doing it because both countries’ air traffic control associations have a strong bond, there is a little suspicion that they’re doing it to make up for the constant airplay of “In My Feelings” by Drake.

Former To Catch a Predator host Chris Hansen was arrested in Connecticut for failing to pay for marketing materials worth thousands of dollars. Stamford police are suspicious that he watched old episodes of Predator because he brought sub sandwiches and beer to the station.

New York lawmaker Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez came under scrutiny by Republicans for using an obscene phrase to explain how hard she’ll push progressive ideals in Congress. This was the first time a Democrat got in trouble for using crude language in the chambers since Bill Clinton stumbled into the House by accident at 3am on a Saturday with an intern.

Students from Covington Catholic High School in Kentucky disrupted The Indigenous Peoples’ March at the Lincoln Memorial. A diocese in Kentucky stated that they will investigate internally. Meanwhile, priests at Covington Catholic wipe their brows since it’s the students prompting an investigation.

LA Lakers head coach Luke Walton stated to the press that part of their game plan is to hold Houston Rockets player James Harden to under 50 points. Harden is a points master! For all the traveling he does, he should have his own credit card.

Birdbox, Cody Parkey, R. Kelly, Coming to America 2, Costco

A teenager in Utah hit another car trying the “Bird Box” challenge (named after the Netflix film starring Sandra Bullock) while driving. Police officers across the nation are worried about this hitting epidemic levels but are even more worried about kids blowing $30,000,000 in the Welcome to Marwen challenge.

101 people attempted Goose Island Beer Company’s field goal competition, rewarding the winner if they make the 43-yard field goal Bears kicker Cody Parkey missed. If there’s anything Bears fans learned from this experience, is that the one ingredient we need to gain empathy is alcohol.

R. Kelly’s estranged daughter released a statement denouncing her father. With an inevitable prison sentence, Chicago’s Cook County Prison has been building a recording studio for Kelly’s tentative release “Trapped with a Basehead.”

Paramount Pictures gave Craig Brewer the nod to direct the sequel to the 1988 Eddie Murphy hit film Coming to America. Kenya Barris is in the rewrites process with the screenplay and Arsenio Hall is in the refinancing process with his house.

Wholesaler Costco is now selling a 27-pound bucket of macaroni and cheese with a 20-year shelf life. You know what else they sell with a 20-year shelf life? Blu-ray copies of Welcome to Marwen.

Karate, Outback Steakhouse, Government Shutdown, Hilary Duff, NBA

A North Carolina sensei came to a woman’s rescue after she ran into his karate studio to avoid being kidnapped. When the story was released, rapper Travis Scott flew to his studio to avoid getting engaged to Kylie Jenner.

A Florida woman was charged with domestic battery and aggravated assault after attacking her parents when they refused to take her to faux-Australian restaurant Outback Steakhouse. The good things are her parents are 100% okay and the judge sentenced her to eat at Olive Garden for 2 weeks.

President Trump has stated that not much progress has been made in concluding the government shutdown. Part of the cause could be a lack of advisors for Trump, which included a couple cabinet members, three senators, and The Spice Girls.

Actress/singer Hilary Duff recreated the famous Rachel McAdams photo. McAdams was flattered by Duff’s photo, telling the press, “You have no idea how many recreated selfies I’ve gotten in the mail from Lindsey Graham.”

The flailing Chicago Bulls traded Justin Holliday to the Memphis Grizzlies for 2 players and 2 future second-round picks. When asked about the decision to trade him away, Bulls GM Gar Forman said, “I would have traded the whole team if Memphis just asked.”

 

 

New England Pats, Nicolas Cage, Ocasio-Cortez, New York Giants, Lady Gaga

New England Patriots wide receiver Julian Edelman was fined for three unnecessary roughness calls during their game against division rivals the Buffalo Bills. Edelman defended himself by saying it was part of Bill Belichick’s new plan to secure the AFC East by being the only team in the AFC East.

Missouri senator Claire McCaskill called new incoming New York congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez “a bright, new, shiny object.” McCaskill has a history of name-calling in Congress, like calling Texas senator Ted Cruz “trite, blue, whiny,” and “abject.”

New York Giants wide receiver Jawill Davis injured his foot while dancing in the locker room. What caused this was either being traded to a contender or Morrissey just dropped a new album.

Lady Gaga has commenced her Las Vegas residency at the Park MGM. Her show includes an alien character she created. Best showstopping alter ego since Trump acting as his own publicist John Barron.

Former president Barack Obama posted a list of his favorite films for 2018. Like clockwork, it was just another snub for Nicolas Cage.

Putin, Advent, Government Shutdown, Eagles, Dancing FBI Agent

Vladimir Putin called for a ban on rap music to prevent the “degradation” of Russia. I don’t think banning rap is the answer. Banning country is the answer. (It’s not degrading, I just don’t like it).

An English woman discovered that the advent calendar her daughter was eating out of didn’t contain chocolate but catnip. The mother was suspicious when her daughter started trying to knock the pencils out of her hand and constantly ran laps around the house at 3 in the morning.

The U.S. government shut down at midnight on December 22nd. The Democrats have collaborated on how to stop the shutdown and Pelosi suggested that they try unplugging it and plugging it in again.

Philadelphia Eagles head coach Doug Pederson assured the press that Carson Wentz is the team’s starting quarterback for the foreseeable future while Twentieth Century Fox assured that backup quarterback Nick Foles will star in the Napoleon Dynamite reboot.

The FBI agent whose gun went off while dancing at a bar in Denver has dodged jail time, which is unfortunate because the Denver County Jail just lost a performer scheduled to act in the prison’s rendition of White Christmas.

 

 

Jokes: Washington Football, Washington State Police, Hailee Steinfeld, German Chocolate, Taylor Swift/Bruce Springsteen

Newly signed Washington Redskins quarterback Josh Johnson used Madden ’19 to learn his new teammates’ names. To learn the Trump administration’s, he used the District of Columbia police blotter.

A wanted Washington state man taunted local police on their Facebook page when they posted about a warrant for his arrest. He lived up to his word on Facebook by turning himself in within a reasonable time frame. Democrats are attempting to break State of the Union protocol by making him a speaker.

Rumor has it that pop singers Hailee Steinfeld and Niall Horan have broken up. Meanwhile, Steinfeld’s record label went to Fox so they could propose a show where various, eager men sing her songs in an intense contest called Pitch Perfect Match.

A road in a western German town became covered in chocolate after a tank from a chocolate factory spilled into the street. In a related piece, the town of Westonnen’s female population just skyrocketed.

Bruce Springsteen and Taylor Swift both have concert films coming to Netflix soon. Netflix has had financial issues in the past, so they should have combined the two films called it Blue Collar and a Lot Taller.