5 Jokes: Trump, Deez Nuts, Tom Brady, Kim Jong-Un

A successful porn website released a Donald Trump parody. You thought the real Trump was hard on immigrants…

A 15-year-old Iowan declared his candidacy for president under the assumed name “Deez Nuts.” In North Carolina, he polled at 9% just ahead of Weak Field and Were N. Trouble.

It looks like Under Armour has no plans to scrap Tom Brady as their pitchman. Their new ad campaign comes complete with the slogan “No, it’s YOU who’s supposed to be air-tight.”

During the Chicago Bears’ pre-season game on Saturday, the team’s Twitter page put in the wrong handle for WR Jordan Bellamy, including the handle for an English guy with the same name. The Englishman should be glad this didn’t happen last year, because his special moment would have been overshadowed by Alshon Jeffrey of Ireland.

The South Korean defense department scrutinized its neighbor to the north, deeming their movement of submarines excessive. When I read the defense minister talking about North Korea “using 10 times more than normal” at first, I thought he was talking about Kim Jong-Un’s hair gel.

Jokes: Kylie Jenner, Scott Walker, Duff Beer, Doughnuts!

Kylie Jenner made news when she proclaimed herself “the new Kim Kardashian.” She’s starting off on the right foot because that statement was leaked by Vivid Entertainment.

A 108-year-old woman threw out the first pitch at a Seattle Mariners game. Everyone in the organization was delighted by the arm on her except for struggling rookie relief pitcher Mayckol Guaipe.

More on baseball…Chicago Cubs owner Todd Ricketts has recently played a fundraising role for Wisconsin governor Scott Walker’s presidential campaign. It’s a match made in heaven. Scott Walker is inexperienced with world affairs and the Cubs are inexperienced with world series.

For all The Simpsons fans out there, plans are in place to distribute actual Duff Beer. Currently, the only place Americans can drink it is at the Universal Studios theme park. You can find it at the “Just Tell My Kid I’m in the Can” tavern.

Not long after this doughnut licking scandal, Ariana Grande posted an apology video where she mentioned that she was disgusted with herself. You know? I’ve said the exact same thing after wolfing down 4 Krispy Kremes.

10 Jokes! President Obama, Stanley Cup, Skinny Jeans…

President Barack Obama made an historic appearance on Marc Maron’s podcast WTFPod. While listeners got a rich, honest look into the mind of the commander-in-chief, Obama didn’t get to everything he wanted to discuss. He will cover the rest in a VERY honest, and giggly, episode of Getting Doug with High.

25 people were arrested at Kenny Chesney’s concert in Green Bay. There was foaming at the mouth, barfing, and trouser soiling…the second guy put in cuffs couldn’t have been more compliant.

The Affordable Care Act was renewed this week. This was a ridiculous decision in the eyes of Speaker Boehner. The last thing he renewed was a movie at Blockbuster.

New Jersey governor Chris Christie is expected to declare his candidacy for President of the United States next Tuesday. Maybe this is the Republican who can reach across the aisle and collaborate with the Democrats, really bridge the—. Whoops!

The Stanley Cup champion Chicago Blackhawks are shopping around for teams interested in a trade for Patrick Sharp. In a related story, several Chicago women are shopping around for new teams, too.

A woman wearing skinny jeans was hospitalized when her legs went numb after helping a relative move. One doctor recommended that she wear more loose fitting pants next time. Dr. Clarence Thomas interpreted that body paint would be what the Founding Fathers intended.

One of my childhood favorite entertainers, Andy Richter, broke the couch on Conan. Well, there goes 20 bucks. I was betting on Corden!

Jimmy Fallon is awesomely recuperating after injuring his hand on Friday morning in New York City. It’s unfortunate he had to cancel a taping of The Tonight Show, but for one night…he took Facebreakers to a whole new level.

French national Melissa Mayeux is the first female eligible to sign with a Major League team. With how my White Sox are doing right now, I’m willing to try anything–Belgian, Austrian, Luxembourgish…

Saved by the Bell star Dustin Diamond has been sentenced to four months in jail for his Christmastime bar fight incident. Zack Morris’ remarks during his “Time Out” were disqualified by the judge.

Week 2

The European Union Monitoring Center for Drugs found that London flushes the most amount of cocaine down the toilet. When London’s mayor was reached for comment, he responded that this study is ridiculous and asked for a recommendation for a good place to get a plunger.

Ben Carson’s presidential campaign was rocked this past week when four campaign officials left his team. Just in case Ben sees this….Ben, I know you’re worried that you won’t win without some seasoned assistance. I have some good news! You’re not going to win this year but look at your competition. You could easily come in 3rd with some 16-year-old whose got a lot of free time this summer as your finance chairman.

Legislators in Maine have proposed banning powdered alcohol, which is like adult Tang. The only way to tell the difference between the two is how much more popular your kid is when they get home from school.

The Oprah Winfrey Network pulled Jay Williams’ reality show about his 34 children from 17 different women. The network is probably doing it to protect themselves from unwanted criticism this show could possibly produce. Hey, at least somebody’s using protection.

Paris Hilton’s sister Nicky had her bachelorette party over the weekend. Several photos had to be posted to Paris’ Instagram as Nicky’s social media pages were inducted into the deep web 8 years ago.

Notes: Don’t procastinate. I did.

Week 1

Johnny Depp could face up to 10 years in prison for smuggling his dogs into Australia. Prosecuting attorneys have been lobbying to throw Tim Burton in with him as well.

On Monday, the White House posted a photo of a toddler throwing a tantrum in front of the president. Obama wasn’t phased at all. He said Boehner does that to him on a weekly basis.

Time Magazine reported that Pope Francis said he misses eating pizza and hasn’t watched TV since 1990. After making these remarks, he drove off in his Chevette and popped in his tape of “Groove is in the Heart.”

The Anaheim Ducks, the team Emilio Estevez vocally cheers for on Twitter, beat the Chicago Blackhawks, putting them ahead 3-2 in the series. The Ducks have strength and longevity…just like Emilio Estevez’s career.

A Montana high school teacher got major media attention when he told his students that they don’t have to take their final if Taylor Swift calls him. In a related story, students at an Idaho high school demanded a final when Taylor Hanson showed up at their class.

Notes: I’m still trying to come up with a system for local news stories. I’m at the “throwing a dart at U.S. map” level at the moment.