New England Pats, Nicolas Cage, Ocasio-Cortez, New York Giants, Lady Gaga

New England Patriots wide receiver Julian Edelman was fined for three unnecessary roughness calls during their game against division rivals the Buffalo Bills. Edelman defended himself by saying it was part of Bill Belichick’s new plan to secure the AFC East by being the only team in the AFC East.

Missouri senator Claire McCaskill called new incoming New York congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez “a bright, new, shiny object.” McCaskill has a history of name-calling in Congress, like calling Texas senator Ted Cruz “trite, blue, whiny,” and “abject.”

New York Giants wide receiver Jawill Davis injured his foot while dancing in the locker room. What caused this was either being traded to a contender or Morrissey just dropped a new album.

Lady Gaga has commenced her Las Vegas residency at the Park MGM. Her show includes an alien character she created. Best showstopping alter ego since Trump acting as his own publicist John Barron.

Former president Barack Obama posted a list of his favorite films for 2018. Like clockwork, it was just another snub for Nicolas Cage.

Putin, Advent, Government Shutdown, Eagles, Dancing FBI Agent

Vladimir Putin called for a ban on rap music to prevent the “degradation” of Russia. I don’t think banning rap is the answer. Banning country is the answer. (It’s not degrading, I just don’t like it).

An English woman discovered that the advent calendar her daughter was eating out of didn’t contain chocolate but catnip. The mother was suspicious when her daughter started trying to knock the pencils out of her hand and constantly ran laps around the house at 3 in the morning.

The U.S. government shut down at midnight on December 22nd. The Democrats have collaborated on how to stop the shutdown and Pelosi suggested that they try unplugging it and plugging it in again.

Philadelphia Eagles head coach Doug Pederson assured the press that Carson Wentz is the team’s starting quarterback for the foreseeable future while Twentieth Century Fox assured that backup quarterback Nick Foles will star in the Napoleon Dynamite reboot.

The FBI agent whose gun went off while dancing at a bar in Denver has dodged jail time, which is unfortunate because the Denver County Jail just lost a performer scheduled to act in the prison’s rendition of White Christmas.

 

 

Jokes: Washington Football, Washington State Police, Hailee Steinfeld, German Chocolate, Taylor Swift/Bruce Springsteen

Newly signed Washington Redskins quarterback Josh Johnson used Madden ’19 to learn his new teammates’ names. To learn the Trump administration’s, he used the District of Columbia police blotter.

A wanted Washington state man taunted local police on their Facebook page when they posted about a warrant for his arrest. He lived up to his word on Facebook by turning himself in within a reasonable time frame. Democrats are attempting to break State of the Union protocol by making him a speaker.

Rumor has it that pop singers Hailee Steinfeld and Niall Horan have broken up. Meanwhile, Steinfeld’s record label went to Fox so they could propose a show where various, eager men sing her songs in an intense contest called Pitch Perfect Match.

A road in a western German town became covered in chocolate after a tank from a chocolate factory spilled into the street. In a related piece, the town of Westonnen’s female population just skyrocketed.

Bruce Springsteen and Taylor Swift both have concert films coming to Netflix soon. Netflix has had financial issues in the past, so they should have combined the two films called it Blue Collar and a Lot Taller.

 

 

Jokes: Seattle Hockey, Kanye, Kohl’s, OSU, NFL

Ohio State University added a bacon vending machine to their campus this week. While I’m sure OSU did this to make an extra few bucks off their students, I think this will ultimately backfire. One of those students will wolf down so much of that fat, they will be bound to get hit by a bus and earn free tuition.

Big news for Seattle! The NHL announced the city will host the league’s 32nd team starting in 2021. In Seattle fashion, the league will fix up the arena, raise the rent, and displace whichever team is playing there now.

A Florida man was arrested for stealing a pair of Nikes at a Kohl’s location after he completed his job interview there. While he did not get the job at Kohl’s, he was swiftly hired as a pinch runner for the Oakland A’s.

ESPN.com released their quarterback projections for the 2019 season. They made predictions like Flacco to Miami, Bridgewater to the New York Giants, and Bortles to hot dog stand number 30 at TIAA Bank Field.

The Cher Show actor Jerrod Spector called out Kanye West for scrolling through his social media feeds during opening night of Cher’s Broadway production. While West defended himself via a rep by saying he was setting up a meeting with President Trump, I think we all know he was looking up voodoo spells to reverse the Kardashian Kurse.

Jokes: Ted Cruz, Marriott, Ivanka, Pro Football, Rob Schneider

Nine Inch Nails lead singer Trent Reznor harshly refused Texas senator Ted Cruz’s request to be on the guest list. The senator shouldn’t worry. There are plenty of Texan musicians who are dying to have someone on their guest list – Jessica Simpson, Ryan Cabrera, Ciara, Chamillionaire, and Lyle Lovett. If you’re on Lyle’s guest list, you get to sit in the nose bleeds.

Saturday Night Live alum Rob Schneider appeared on the hit podcast The Adam Carolla Show. I’m not sure what he was plugging, but he and Jason Mewes should be the new pitchmen for LinkedIn. Tagline? It’s About Who You Know.

Up to 500 million Marriott Hotel guests’ data has been breached. President Trump has an opportunity to expose Robert Mueller using his in-room purchases. Should a guy who has 4 Milky Ways in one night be leading special counsel?

President Trump’s daughter Ivanka claims that her e-mails are not similar to Secretary Clinton’s. She’s right. Hillary doesn’t get daily Thought Catalog listicles, Cosmo’s tips on “How to Keep Your Man,” and The Super Exclusive, Premium Ariana Grande updates overflowing her inbox.

The Alliance of American Football League had its quarterback draft this week. If you’re wondering about who plays in the AAF, think about it as a pool of players the Canadian Football League responded to with the grimace face emoji.

Jokes: Brexit, NFL, United Nations, Michael B. Jordan, Windmills

The UN’s environment chief resigned after it was revealed that he spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on travel expenses, much of it being environmentally unfriendly. Suspicions started when he was spotted in Brazil off-roading in his Humvee.

Officials in a modest Dutch town have complained that their trademark windmills have resulted in too much international attention. This just in: Iggy Azalea just purchased 20 windmills.

Washington Redskins quarterback Alex Smith injured his leg Sunday night playing against the Houston Texans. Nathan Peterman’s Monday morning e-mails were intercepted by a hacker 7 times.

The UK and EU are in the final stages of agreeing on a rough draft for post-Brexit relations. I looked at the rough draft. With a few fight scenes and a stronger B-story, I think it’ll be gametime ready.

On Wednesday, former pro football player and Bachelorette contestant Jordan Rodgers called out brother and NFL quarterback Aaron Rodgers for a lack of compassion for his family during the California wildfires even though he donated $1 million to the cause. Aaron is a MVP. Jordan is a MVB – Most Venomous Brother.

Seasoned boxer Roy Jones, Jr. officially accepted actor Michael B. Jordan’s challenge to fight him. Even though Jones, Jr. is no longer in his prime, he’s still a pro boxer. That would be like saying I could win a rap battle against Xhibit because he hasn’t been on the charts for a while. He’s still a pro rapper and I have no business rap battling anyone, to be honest.