5 Jokes: Trump, Deez Nuts, Tom Brady, Kim Jong-Un

A successful porn website released a Donald Trump parody. You thought the real Trump was hard on immigrants…

A 15-year-old Iowan declared his candidacy for president under the assumed name “Deez Nuts.” In North Carolina, he polled at 9% just ahead of Weak Field and Were N. Trouble.

It looks like Under Armour has no plans to scrap Tom Brady as their pitchman. Their new ad campaign comes complete with the slogan “No, it’s YOU who’s supposed to be air-tight.”

During the Chicago Bears’ pre-season game on Saturday, the team’s Twitter page put in the wrong handle for WR Jordan Bellamy, including the handle for an English guy with the same name. The Englishman should be glad this didn’t happen last year, because his special moment would have been overshadowed by Alshon Jeffrey of Ireland.

The South Korean defense department scrutinized its neighbor to the north, deeming their movement of submarines excessive. When I read the defense minister talking about North Korea “using 10 times more than normal” at first, I thought he was talking about Kim Jong-Un’s hair gel.

10 Jokes! President Obama, Stanley Cup, Skinny Jeans…

President Barack Obama made an historic appearance on Marc Maron’s podcast WTFPod. While listeners got a rich, honest look into the mind of the commander-in-chief, Obama didn’t get to everything he wanted to discuss. He will cover the rest in a VERY honest, and giggly, episode of Getting Doug with High.

25 people were arrested at Kenny Chesney’s concert in Green Bay. There was foaming at the mouth, barfing, and trouser soiling…the second guy put in cuffs couldn’t have been more compliant.

The Affordable Care Act was renewed this week. This was a ridiculous decision in the eyes of Speaker Boehner. The last thing he renewed was a movie at Blockbuster.

New Jersey governor Chris Christie is expected to declare his candidacy for President of the United States next Tuesday. Maybe this is the Republican who can reach across the aisle and collaborate with the Democrats, really bridge the—. Whoops!

The Stanley Cup champion Chicago Blackhawks are shopping around for teams interested in a trade for Patrick Sharp. In a related story, several Chicago women are shopping around for new teams, too.

A woman wearing skinny jeans was hospitalized when her legs went numb after helping a relative move. One doctor recommended that she wear more loose fitting pants next time. Dr. Clarence Thomas interpreted that body paint would be what the Founding Fathers intended.

One of my childhood favorite entertainers, Andy Richter, broke the couch on Conan. Well, there goes 20 bucks. I was betting on Corden!

Jimmy Fallon is awesomely recuperating after injuring his hand on Friday morning in New York City. It’s unfortunate he had to cancel a taping of The Tonight Show, but for one night…he took Facebreakers to a whole new level.

French national Melissa Mayeux is the first female eligible to sign with a Major League team. With how my White Sox are doing right now, I’m willing to try anything–Belgian, Austrian, Luxembourgish…

Saved by the Bell star Dustin Diamond has been sentenced to four months in jail for his Christmastime bar fight incident. Zack Morris’ remarks during his “Time Out” were disqualified by the judge.