Jokes: Ted Cruz, Marriott, Ivanka, Pro Football, Rob Schneider

Nine Inch Nails lead singer Trent Reznor harshly refused Texas senator Ted Cruz’s request to be on the guest list. The senator shouldn’t worry. There are plenty of Texan musicians who are dying to have someone on their guest list – Jessica Simpson, Ryan Cabrera, Ciara, Chamillionaire, and Lyle Lovett. If you’re on Lyle’s guest list, you get to sit in the nose bleeds.

Saturday Night Live alum Rob Schneider appeared on the hit podcast The Adam Carolla Show. I’m not sure what he was plugging, but he and Jason Mewes should be the new pitchmen for LinkedIn. Tagline? It’s About Who You Know.

Up to 500 million Marriott Hotel guests’ data has been breached. President Trump has an opportunity to expose Robert Mueller using his in-room purchases. Should a guy who has 4 Milky Ways in one night be leading special counsel?

President Trump’s daughter Ivanka claims that her e-mails are not similar to Secretary Clinton’s. She’s right. Hillary doesn’t get daily Thought Catalog listicles, Cosmo’s tips on “How to Keep Your Man,” and The Super Exclusive, Premium Ariana Grande updates overflowing her inbox.

The Alliance of American Football League had its quarterback draft this week. If you’re wondering about who plays in the AAF, think about it as a pool of players the Canadian Football League responded to with the grimace face emoji.

Jokes: Brexit, NFL, United Nations, Michael B. Jordan, Windmills

The UN’s environment chief resigned after it was revealed that he spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on travel expenses, much of it being environmentally unfriendly. Suspicions started when he was spotted in Brazil off-roading in his Humvee.

Officials in a modest Dutch town have complained that their trademark windmills have resulted in too much international attention. This just in: Iggy Azalea just purchased 20 windmills.

Washington Redskins quarterback Alex Smith injured his leg Sunday night playing against the Houston Texans. Nathan Peterman’s Monday morning e-mails were intercepted by a hacker 7 times.

The UK and EU are in the final stages of agreeing on a rough draft for post-Brexit relations. I looked at the rough draft. With a few fight scenes and a stronger B-story, I think it’ll be gametime ready.

On Wednesday, former pro football player and Bachelorette contestant Jordan Rodgers called out brother and NFL quarterback Aaron Rodgers for a lack of compassion for his family during the California wildfires even though he donated $1 million to the cause. Aaron is a MVP. Jordan is a MVB – Most Venomous Brother.

Seasoned boxer Roy Jones, Jr. officially accepted actor Michael B. Jordan’s challenge to fight him. Even though Jones, Jr. is no longer in his prime, he’s still a pro boxer. That would be like saying I could win a rap battle against Xhibit because he hasn’t been on the charts for a while. He’s still a pro rapper and I have no business rap battling anyone, to be honest.

10 Jokes! President Obama, Stanley Cup, Skinny Jeans…

President Barack Obama made an historic appearance on Marc Maron’s podcast WTFPod. While listeners got a rich, honest look into the mind of the commander-in-chief, Obama didn’t get to everything he wanted to discuss. He will cover the rest in a VERY honest, and giggly, episode of Getting Doug with High.

25 people were arrested at Kenny Chesney’s concert in Green Bay. There was foaming at the mouth, barfing, and trouser soiling…the second guy put in cuffs couldn’t have been more compliant.

The Affordable Care Act was renewed this week. This was a ridiculous decision in the eyes of Speaker Boehner. The last thing he renewed was a movie at Blockbuster.

New Jersey governor Chris Christie is expected to declare his candidacy for President of the United States next Tuesday. Maybe this is the Republican who can reach across the aisle and collaborate with the Democrats, really bridge the—. Whoops!

The Stanley Cup champion Chicago Blackhawks are shopping around for teams interested in a trade for Patrick Sharp. In a related story, several Chicago women are shopping around for new teams, too.

A woman wearing skinny jeans was hospitalized when her legs went numb after helping a relative move. One doctor recommended that she wear more loose fitting pants next time. Dr. Clarence Thomas interpreted that body paint would be what the Founding Fathers intended.

One of my childhood favorite entertainers, Andy Richter, broke the couch on Conan. Well, there goes 20 bucks. I was betting on Corden!

Jimmy Fallon is awesomely recuperating after injuring his hand on Friday morning in New York City. It’s unfortunate he had to cancel a taping of The Tonight Show, but for one night…he took Facebreakers to a whole new level.

French national Melissa Mayeux is the first female eligible to sign with a Major League team. With how my White Sox are doing right now, I’m willing to try anything–Belgian, Austrian, Luxembourgish…

Saved by the Bell star Dustin Diamond has been sentenced to four months in jail for his Christmastime bar fight incident. Zack Morris’ remarks during his “Time Out” were disqualified by the judge.