Jokes: Ted Cruz, Marriott, Ivanka, Pro Football, Rob Schneider

Nine Inch Nails lead singer Trent Reznor harshly refused Texas senator Ted Cruz’s request to be on the guest list. The senator shouldn’t worry. There are plenty of Texan musicians who are dying to have someone on their guest list – Jessica Simpson, Ryan Cabrera, Ciara, Chamillionaire, and Lyle Lovett. If you’re on Lyle’s guest list, you get to sit in the nose bleeds.

Saturday Night Live alum Rob Schneider appeared on the hit podcast The Adam Carolla Show. I’m not sure what he was plugging, but he and Jason Mewes should be the new pitchmen for LinkedIn. Tagline? It’s About Who You Know.

Up to 500 million Marriott Hotel guests’ data has been breached. President Trump has an opportunity to expose Robert Mueller using his in-room purchases. Should a guy who has 4 Milky Ways in one night be leading special counsel?

President Trump’s daughter Ivanka claims that her e-mails are not similar to Secretary Clinton’s. She’s right. Hillary doesn’t get daily Thought Catalog listicles, Cosmo’s tips on “How to Keep Your Man,” and The Super Exclusive, Premium Ariana Grande updates overflowing her inbox.

The Alliance of American Football League had its quarterback draft this week. If you’re wondering about who plays in the AAF, think about it as a pool of players the Canadian Football League responded to with the grimace face emoji.

5 Jokes: Trump, Deez Nuts, Tom Brady, Kim Jong-Un

A successful porn website released a Donald Trump parody. You thought the real Trump was hard on immigrants…

A 15-year-old Iowan declared his candidacy for president under the assumed name “Deez Nuts.” In North Carolina, he polled at 9% just ahead of Weak Field and Were N. Trouble.

It looks like Under Armour has no plans to scrap Tom Brady as their pitchman. Their new ad campaign comes complete with the slogan “No, it’s YOU who’s supposed to be air-tight.”

During the Chicago Bears’ pre-season game on Saturday, the team’s Twitter page put in the wrong handle for WR Jordan Bellamy, including the handle for an English guy with the same name. The Englishman should be glad this didn’t happen last year, because his special moment would have been overshadowed by Alshon Jeffrey of Ireland.

The South Korean defense department scrutinized its neighbor to the north, deeming their movement of submarines excessive. When I read the defense minister talking about North Korea “using 10 times more than normal” at first, I thought he was talking about Kim Jong-Un’s hair gel.