Jokes: Washington Football, Washington State Police, Hailee Steinfeld, German Chocolate, Taylor Swift/Bruce Springsteen

Newly signed Washington Redskins quarterback Josh Johnson used Madden ’19 to learn his new teammates’ names. To learn the Trump administration’s, he used the District of Columbia police blotter.

A wanted Washington state man taunted local police on their Facebook page when they posted about a warrant for his arrest. He lived up to his word on Facebook by turning himself in within a reasonable time frame. Democrats are attempting to break State of the Union protocol by making him a speaker.

Rumor has it that pop singers Hailee Steinfeld and Niall Horan have broken up. Meanwhile, Steinfeld’s record label went to Fox so they could propose a show where various, eager men sing her songs in an intense contest called Pitch Perfect Match.

A road in a western German town became covered in chocolate after a tank from a chocolate factory spilled into the street. In a related piece, the town of Westonnen’s female population just skyrocketed.

Bruce Springsteen and Taylor Swift both have concert films coming to Netflix soon. Netflix has had financial issues in the past, so they should have combined the two films called it Blue Collar and a Lot Taller.

 

 

Jokes: Ted Cruz, Marriott, Ivanka, Pro Football, Rob Schneider

Nine Inch Nails lead singer Trent Reznor harshly refused Texas senator Ted Cruz’s request to be on the guest list. The senator shouldn’t worry. There are plenty of Texan musicians who are dying to have someone on their guest list – Jessica Simpson, Ryan Cabrera, Ciara, Chamillionaire, and Lyle Lovett. If you’re on Lyle’s guest list, you get to sit in the nose bleeds.

Saturday Night Live alum Rob Schneider appeared on the hit podcast The Adam Carolla Show. I’m not sure what he was plugging, but he and Jason Mewes should be the new pitchmen for LinkedIn. Tagline? It’s About Who You Know.

Up to 500 million Marriott Hotel guests’ data has been breached. President Trump has an opportunity to expose Robert Mueller using his in-room purchases. Should a guy who has 4 Milky Ways in one night be leading special counsel?

President Trump’s daughter Ivanka claims that her e-mails are not similar to Secretary Clinton’s. She’s right. Hillary doesn’t get daily Thought Catalog listicles, Cosmo’s tips on “How to Keep Your Man,” and The Super Exclusive, Premium Ariana Grande updates overflowing her inbox.

The Alliance of American Football League had its quarterback draft this week. If you’re wondering about who plays in the AAF, think about it as a pool of players the Canadian Football League responded to with the grimace face emoji.