Jokes: Ted Cruz, Marriott, Ivanka, Pro Football, Rob Schneider

Nine Inch Nails lead singer Trent Reznor harshly refused Texas senator Ted Cruz’s request to be on the guest list. The senator shouldn’t worry. There are plenty of Texan musicians who are dying to have someone on their guest list – Jessica Simpson, Ryan Cabrera, Ciara, Chamillionaire, and Lyle Lovett. If you’re on Lyle’s guest list, you get to sit in the nose bleeds.

Saturday Night Live alum Rob Schneider appeared on the hit podcast The Adam Carolla Show. I’m not sure what he was plugging, but he and Jason Mewes should be the new pitchmen for LinkedIn. Tagline? It’s About Who You Know.

Up to 500 million Marriott Hotel guests’ data has been breached. President Trump has an opportunity to expose Robert Mueller using his in-room purchases. Should a guy who has 4 Milky Ways in one night be leading special counsel?

President Trump’s daughter Ivanka claims that her e-mails are not similar to Secretary Clinton’s. She’s right. Hillary doesn’t get daily Thought Catalog listicles, Cosmo’s tips on “How to Keep Your Man,” and The Super Exclusive, Premium Ariana Grande updates overflowing her inbox.

The Alliance of American Football League had its quarterback draft this week. If you’re wondering about who plays in the AAF, think about it as a pool of players the Canadian Football League responded to with the grimace face emoji.

Week 2

The European Union Monitoring Center for Drugs found that London flushes the most amount of cocaine down the toilet. When London’s mayor was reached for comment, he responded that this study is ridiculous and asked for a recommendation for a good place to get a plunger.

Ben Carson’s presidential campaign was rocked this past week when four campaign officials left his team. Just in case Ben sees this….Ben, I know you’re worried that you won’t win without some seasoned assistance. I have some good news! You’re not going to win this year but look at your competition. You could easily come in 3rd with some 16-year-old whose got a lot of free time this summer as your finance chairman.

Legislators in Maine have proposed banning powdered alcohol, which is like adult Tang. The only way to tell the difference between the two is how much more popular your kid is when they get home from school.

The Oprah Winfrey Network pulled Jay Williams’ reality show about his 34 children from 17 different women. The network is probably doing it to protect themselves from unwanted criticism this show could possibly produce. Hey, at least somebody’s using protection.

Paris Hilton’s sister Nicky had her bachelorette party over the weekend. Several photos had to be posted to Paris’ Instagram as Nicky’s social media pages were inducted into the deep web 8 years ago.

Notes: Don’t procastinate. I did.

Week 1

Johnny Depp could face up to 10 years in prison for smuggling his dogs into Australia. Prosecuting attorneys have been lobbying to throw Tim Burton in with him as well.

On Monday, the White House posted a photo of a toddler throwing a tantrum in front of the president. Obama wasn’t phased at all. He said Boehner does that to him on a weekly basis.

Time Magazine reported that Pope Francis said he misses eating pizza and hasn’t watched TV since 1990. After making these remarks, he drove off in his Chevette and popped in his tape of “Groove is in the Heart.”

The Anaheim Ducks, the team Emilio Estevez vocally cheers for on Twitter, beat the Chicago Blackhawks, putting them ahead 3-2 in the series. The Ducks have strength and longevity…just like Emilio Estevez’s career.

A Montana high school teacher got major media attention when he told his students that they don’t have to take their final if Taylor Swift calls him. In a related story, students at an Idaho high school demanded a final when Taylor Hanson showed up at their class.

Notes: I’m still trying to come up with a system for local news stories. I’m at the “throwing a dart at U.S. map” level at the moment.