New England Pats, Nicolas Cage, Ocasio-Cortez, New York Giants, Lady Gaga

New England Patriots wide receiver Julian Edelman was fined for three unnecessary roughness calls during their game against division rivals the Buffalo Bills. Edelman defended himself by saying it was part of Bill Belichick’s new plan to secure the AFC East by being the only team in the AFC East.

Missouri senator Claire McCaskill called new incoming New York congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez “a bright, new, shiny object.” McCaskill has a history of name-calling in Congress, like calling Texas senator Ted Cruz “trite, blue, whiny,” and “abject.”

New York Giants wide receiver Jawill Davis injured his foot while dancing in the locker room. What caused this was either being traded to a contender or Morrissey just dropped a new album.

Lady Gaga has commenced her Las Vegas residency at the Park MGM. Her show includes an alien character she created. Best showstopping alter ego since Trump acting as his own publicist John Barron.

Former president Barack Obama posted a list of his favorite films for 2018. Like clockwork, it was just another snub for Nicolas Cage.

Putin, Advent, Government Shutdown, Eagles, Dancing FBI Agent

Vladimir Putin called for a ban on rap music to prevent the “degradation” of Russia. I don’t think banning rap is the answer. Banning country is the answer. (It’s not degrading, I just don’t like it).

An English woman discovered that the advent calendar her daughter was eating out of didn’t contain chocolate but catnip. The mother was suspicious when her daughter started trying to knock the pencils out of her hand and constantly ran laps around the house at 3 in the morning.

The U.S. government shut down at midnight on December 22nd. The Democrats have collaborated on how to stop the shutdown and Pelosi suggested that they try unplugging it and plugging it in again.

Philadelphia Eagles head coach Doug Pederson assured the press that Carson Wentz is the team’s starting quarterback for the foreseeable future while Twentieth Century Fox assured that backup quarterback Nick Foles will star in the Napoleon Dynamite reboot.

The FBI agent whose gun went off while dancing at a bar in Denver has dodged jail time, which is unfortunate because the Denver County Jail just lost a performer scheduled to act in the prison’s rendition of White Christmas.

 

 

Jokes: Washington Football, Washington State Police, Hailee Steinfeld, German Chocolate, Taylor Swift/Bruce Springsteen

Newly signed Washington Redskins quarterback Josh Johnson used Madden ’19 to learn his new teammates’ names. To learn the Trump administration’s, he used the District of Columbia police blotter.

A wanted Washington state man taunted local police on their Facebook page when they posted about a warrant for his arrest. He lived up to his word on Facebook by turning himself in within a reasonable time frame. Democrats are attempting to break State of the Union protocol by making him a speaker.

Rumor has it that pop singers Hailee Steinfeld and Niall Horan have broken up. Meanwhile, Steinfeld’s record label went to Fox so they could propose a show where various, eager men sing her songs in an intense contest called Pitch Perfect Match.

A road in a western German town became covered in chocolate after a tank from a chocolate factory spilled into the street. In a related piece, the town of Westonnen’s female population just skyrocketed.

Bruce Springsteen and Taylor Swift both have concert films coming to Netflix soon. Netflix has had financial issues in the past, so they should have combined the two films called it Blue Collar and a Lot Taller.

 

 

Jokes: Kylie Jenner, Scott Walker, Duff Beer, Doughnuts!

Kylie Jenner made news when she proclaimed herself “the new Kim Kardashian.” She’s starting off on the right foot because that statement was leaked by Vivid Entertainment.

A 108-year-old woman threw out the first pitch at a Seattle Mariners game. Everyone in the organization was delighted by the arm on her except for struggling rookie relief pitcher Mayckol Guaipe.

More on baseball…Chicago Cubs owner Todd Ricketts has recently played a fundraising role for Wisconsin governor Scott Walker’s presidential campaign. It’s a match made in heaven. Scott Walker is inexperienced with world affairs and the Cubs are inexperienced with world series.

For all The Simpsons fans out there, plans are in place to distribute actual Duff Beer. Currently, the only place Americans can drink it is at the Universal Studios theme park. You can find it at the “Just Tell My Kid I’m in the Can” tavern.

Not long after this doughnut licking scandal, Ariana Grande posted an apology video where she mentioned that she was disgusted with herself. You know? I’ve said the exact same thing after wolfing down 4 Krispy Kremes.

10 Jokes! President Obama, Stanley Cup, Skinny Jeans…

President Barack Obama made an historic appearance on Marc Maron’s podcast WTFPod. While listeners got a rich, honest look into the mind of the commander-in-chief, Obama didn’t get to everything he wanted to discuss. He will cover the rest in a VERY honest, and giggly, episode of Getting Doug with High.

25 people were arrested at Kenny Chesney’s concert in Green Bay. There was foaming at the mouth, barfing, and trouser soiling…the second guy put in cuffs couldn’t have been more compliant.

The Affordable Care Act was renewed this week. This was a ridiculous decision in the eyes of Speaker Boehner. The last thing he renewed was a movie at Blockbuster.

New Jersey governor Chris Christie is expected to declare his candidacy for President of the United States next Tuesday. Maybe this is the Republican who can reach across the aisle and collaborate with the Democrats, really bridge the—. Whoops!

The Stanley Cup champion Chicago Blackhawks are shopping around for teams interested in a trade for Patrick Sharp. In a related story, several Chicago women are shopping around for new teams, too.

A woman wearing skinny jeans was hospitalized when her legs went numb after helping a relative move. One doctor recommended that she wear more loose fitting pants next time. Dr. Clarence Thomas interpreted that body paint would be what the Founding Fathers intended.

One of my childhood favorite entertainers, Andy Richter, broke the couch on Conan. Well, there goes 20 bucks. I was betting on Corden!

Jimmy Fallon is awesomely recuperating after injuring his hand on Friday morning in New York City. It’s unfortunate he had to cancel a taping of The Tonight Show, but for one night…he took Facebreakers to a whole new level.

French national Melissa Mayeux is the first female eligible to sign with a Major League team. With how my White Sox are doing right now, I’m willing to try anything–Belgian, Austrian, Luxembourgish…

Saved by the Bell star Dustin Diamond has been sentenced to four months in jail for his Christmastime bar fight incident. Zack Morris’ remarks during his “Time Out” were disqualified by the judge.