Week 2

The European Union Monitoring Center for Drugs found that London flushes the most amount of cocaine down the toilet. When London’s mayor was reached for comment, he responded that this study is ridiculous and asked for a recommendation for a good place to get a plunger.

Ben Carson’s presidential campaign was rocked this past week when four campaign officials left his team. Just in case Ben sees this….Ben, I know you’re worried that you won’t win without some seasoned assistance. I have some good news! You’re not going to win this year but look at your competition. You could easily come in 3rd with some 16-year-old whose got a lot of free time this summer as your finance chairman.

Legislators in Maine have proposed banning powdered alcohol, which is like adult Tang. The only way to tell the difference between the two is how much more popular your kid is when they get home from school.

The Oprah Winfrey Network pulled Jay Williams’ reality show about his 34 children from 17 different women. The network is probably doing it to protect themselves from unwanted criticism this show could possibly produce. Hey, at least somebody’s using protection.

Paris Hilton’s sister Nicky had her bachelorette party over the weekend. Several photos had to be posted to Paris’ Instagram as Nicky’s social media pages were inducted into the deep web 8 years ago.

Notes: Don’t procastinate. I did.

Week 1

Johnny Depp could face up to 10 years in prison for smuggling his dogs into Australia. Prosecuting attorneys have been lobbying to throw Tim Burton in with him as well.

On Monday, the White House posted a photo of a toddler throwing a tantrum in front of the president. Obama wasn’t phased at all. He said Boehner does that to him on a weekly basis.

Time Magazine reported that Pope Francis said he misses eating pizza and hasn’t watched TV since 1990. After making these remarks, he drove off in his Chevette and popped in his tape of “Groove is in the Heart.”

The Anaheim Ducks, the team Emilio Estevez vocally cheers for on Twitter, beat the Chicago Blackhawks, putting them ahead 3-2 in the series. The Ducks have strength and longevity…just like Emilio Estevez’s career.

A Montana high school teacher got major media attention when he told his students that they don’t have to take their final if Taylor Swift calls him. In a related story, students at an Idaho high school demanded a final when Taylor Hanson showed up at their class.

Notes: I’m still trying to come up with a system for local news stories. I’m at the “throwing a dart at U.S. map” level at the moment.