Jokes: Seattle Hockey, Kanye, Kohl’s, OSU, NFL

Ohio State University added a bacon vending machine to their campus this week. While I’m sure OSU did this to make an extra few bucks off their students, I think this will ultimately backfire. One of those students will wolf down so much of that fat, they will be bound to get hit by a bus and earn free tuition.

Big news for Seattle! The NHL announced the city will host the league’s 32nd team starting in 2021. In Seattle fashion, the league will fix up the arena, raise the rent, and displace whichever team is playing there now.

A Florida man was arrested for stealing a pair of Nikes at a Kohl’s location after he completed his job interview there. While he did not get the job at Kohl’s, he was swiftly hired as a pinch runner for the Oakland A’s.

ESPN.com released their quarterback projections for the 2019 season. They made predictions like Flacco to Miami, Bridgewater to the New York Giants, and Bortles to hot dog stand number 30 at TIAA Bank Field.

The Cher Show actor Jerrod Spector called out Kanye West for scrolling through his social media feeds during opening night of Cher’s Broadway production. While West defended himself via a rep by saying he was setting up a meeting with President Trump, I think we all know he was looking up voodoo spells to reverse the Kardashian Kurse.

Jokes: Kylie Jenner, Scott Walker, Duff Beer, Doughnuts!

Kylie Jenner made news when she proclaimed herself “the new Kim Kardashian.” She’s starting off on the right foot because that statement was leaked by Vivid Entertainment.

A 108-year-old woman threw out the first pitch at a Seattle Mariners game. Everyone in the organization was delighted by the arm on her except for struggling rookie relief pitcher Mayckol Guaipe.

More on baseball…Chicago Cubs owner Todd Ricketts has recently played a fundraising role for Wisconsin governor Scott Walker’s presidential campaign. It’s a match made in heaven. Scott Walker is inexperienced with world affairs and the Cubs are inexperienced with world series.

For all The Simpsons fans out there, plans are in place to distribute actual Duff Beer. Currently, the only place Americans can drink it is at the Universal Studios theme park. You can find it at the “Just Tell My Kid I’m in the Can” tavern.

Not long after this doughnut licking scandal, Ariana Grande posted an apology video where she mentioned that she was disgusted with herself. You know? I’ve said the exact same thing after wolfing down 4 Krispy Kremes.