Putin, Advent, Government Shutdown, Eagles, Dancing FBI Agent

Vladimir Putin called for a ban on rap music to prevent the “degradation” of Russia. I don’t think banning rap is the answer. Banning country is the answer. (It’s not degrading, I just don’t like it).

An English woman discovered that the advent calendar her daughter was eating out of didn’t contain chocolate but catnip. The mother was suspicious when her daughter started trying to knock the pencils out of her hand and constantly ran laps around the house at 3 in the morning.

The U.S. government shut down at midnight on December 22nd. The Democrats have collaborated on how to stop the shutdown and Pelosi suggested that they try unplugging it and plugging it in again.

Philadelphia Eagles head coach Doug Pederson assured the press that Carson Wentz is the team’s starting quarterback for the foreseeable future while Twentieth Century Fox assured that backup quarterback Nick Foles will star in the Napoleon Dynamite reboot.

The FBI agent whose gun went off while dancing at a bar in Denver has dodged jail time, which is unfortunate because the Denver County Jail just lost a performer scheduled to act in the prison’s rendition of White Christmas.

 

 

Jokes: Brexit, NFL, United Nations, Michael B. Jordan, Windmills

The UN’s environment chief resigned after it was revealed that he spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on travel expenses, much of it being environmentally unfriendly. Suspicions started when he was spotted in Brazil off-roading in his Humvee.

Officials in a modest Dutch town have complained that their trademark windmills have resulted in too much international attention. This just in: Iggy Azalea just purchased 20 windmills.

Washington Redskins quarterback Alex Smith injured his leg Sunday night playing against the Houston Texans. Nathan Peterman’s Monday morning e-mails were intercepted by a hacker 7 times.

The UK and EU are in the final stages of agreeing on a rough draft for post-Brexit relations. I looked at the rough draft. With a few fight scenes and a stronger B-story, I think it’ll be gametime ready.

On Wednesday, former pro football player and Bachelorette contestant Jordan Rodgers called out brother and NFL quarterback Aaron Rodgers for a lack of compassion for his family during the California wildfires even though he donated $1 million to the cause. Aaron is a MVP. Jordan is a MVB – Most Venomous Brother.

Seasoned boxer Roy Jones, Jr. officially accepted actor Michael B. Jordan’s challenge to fight him. Even though Jones, Jr. is no longer in his prime, he’s still a pro boxer. That would be like saying I could win a rap battle against Xhibit because he hasn’t been on the charts for a while. He’s still a pro rapper and I have no business rap battling anyone, to be honest.