New England Pats, Nicolas Cage, Ocasio-Cortez, New York Giants, Lady Gaga

New England Patriots wide receiver Julian Edelman was fined for three unnecessary roughness calls during their game against division rivals the Buffalo Bills. Edelman defended himself by saying it was part of Bill Belichick’s new plan to secure the AFC East by being the only team in the AFC East.

Missouri senator Claire McCaskill called new incoming New York congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez “a bright, new, shiny object.” McCaskill has a history of name-calling in Congress, like calling Texas senator Ted Cruz “trite, blue, whiny,” and “abject.”

New York Giants wide receiver Jawill Davis injured his foot while dancing in the locker room. What caused this was either being traded to a contender or Morrissey just dropped a new album.

Lady Gaga has commenced her Las Vegas residency at the Park MGM. Her show includes an alien character she created. Best showstopping alter ego since Trump acting as his own publicist John Barron.

Former president Barack Obama posted a list of his favorite films for 2018. Like clockwork, it was just another snub for Nicolas Cage.

Putin, Advent, Government Shutdown, Eagles, Dancing FBI Agent

Vladimir Putin called for a ban on rap music to prevent the “degradation” of Russia. I don’t think banning rap is the answer. Banning country is the answer. (It’s not degrading, I just don’t like it).

An English woman discovered that the advent calendar her daughter was eating out of didn’t contain chocolate but catnip. The mother was suspicious when her daughter started trying to knock the pencils out of her hand and constantly ran laps around the house at 3 in the morning.

The U.S. government shut down at midnight on December 22nd. The Democrats have collaborated on how to stop the shutdown and Pelosi suggested that they try unplugging it and plugging it in again.

Philadelphia Eagles head coach Doug Pederson assured the press that Carson Wentz is the team’s starting quarterback for the foreseeable future while Twentieth Century Fox assured that backup quarterback Nick Foles will star in the Napoleon Dynamite reboot.

The FBI agent whose gun went off while dancing at a bar in Denver has dodged jail time, which is unfortunate because the Denver County Jail just lost a performer scheduled to act in the prison’s rendition of White Christmas.