Jokes: Washington Football, Washington State Police, Hailee Steinfeld, German Chocolate, Taylor Swift/Bruce Springsteen

Newly signed Washington Redskins quarterback Josh Johnson used Madden ’19 to learn his new teammates’ names. To learn the Trump administration’s, he used the District of Columbia police blotter.

A wanted Washington state man taunted local police on their Facebook page when they posted about a warrant for his arrest. He lived up to his word on Facebook by turning himself in within a reasonable time frame. Democrats are attempting to break State of the Union protocol by making him a speaker.

Rumor has it that pop singers Hailee Steinfeld and Niall Horan have broken up. Meanwhile, Steinfeld’s record label went to Fox so they could propose a show where various, eager men sing her songs in an intense contest called Pitch Perfect Match.

A road in a western German town became covered in chocolate after a tank from a chocolate factory spilled into the street. In a related piece, the town of Westonnen’s female population just skyrocketed.

Bruce Springsteen and Taylor Swift both have concert films coming to Netflix soon. Netflix has had financial issues in the past, so they should have combined the two films called it Blue Collar and a Lot Taller.

 

 

Jokes: Kylie Jenner, Scott Walker, Duff Beer, Doughnuts!

Kylie Jenner made news when she proclaimed herself “the new Kim Kardashian.” She’s starting off on the right foot because that statement was leaked by Vivid Entertainment.

A 108-year-old woman threw out the first pitch at a Seattle Mariners game. Everyone in the organization was delighted by the arm on her except for struggling rookie relief pitcher Mayckol Guaipe.

More on baseball…Chicago Cubs owner Todd Ricketts has recently played a fundraising role for Wisconsin governor Scott Walker’s presidential campaign. It’s a match made in heaven. Scott Walker is inexperienced with world affairs and the Cubs are inexperienced with world series.

For all The Simpsons fans out there, plans are in place to distribute actual Duff Beer. Currently, the only place Americans can drink it is at the Universal Studios theme park. You can find it at the “Just Tell My Kid I’m in the Can” tavern.

Not long after this doughnut licking scandal, Ariana Grande posted an apology video where she mentioned that she was disgusted with herself. You know? I’ve said the exact same thing after wolfing down 4 Krispy Kremes.