Putin, Advent, Government Shutdown, Eagles, Dancing FBI Agent

Vladimir Putin called for a ban on rap music to prevent the “degradation” of Russia. I don’t think banning rap is the answer. Banning country is the answer. (It’s not degrading, I just don’t like it).

An English woman discovered that the advent calendar her daughter was eating out of didn’t contain chocolate but catnip. The mother was suspicious when her daughter started trying to knock the pencils out of her hand and constantly ran laps around the house at 3 in the morning.

The U.S. government shut down at midnight on December 22nd. The Democrats have collaborated on how to stop the shutdown and Pelosi suggested that they try unplugging it and plugging it in again.

Philadelphia Eagles head coach Doug Pederson assured the press that Carson Wentz is the team’s starting quarterback for the foreseeable future while Twentieth Century Fox assured that backup quarterback Nick Foles will star in the Napoleon Dynamite reboot.

The FBI agent whose gun went off while dancing at a bar in Denver has dodged jail time, which is unfortunate because the Denver County Jail just lost a performer scheduled to act in the prison’s rendition of White Christmas.

 

 

Jokes: Seattle Hockey, Kanye, Kohl’s, OSU, NFL

Ohio State University added a bacon vending machine to their campus this week. While I’m sure OSU did this to make an extra few bucks off their students, I think this will ultimately backfire. One of those students will wolf down so much of that fat, they will be bound to get hit by a bus and earn free tuition.

Big news for Seattle! The NHL announced the city will host the league’s 32nd team starting in 2021. In Seattle fashion, the league will fix up the arena, raise the rent, and displace whichever team is playing there now.

A Florida man was arrested for stealing a pair of Nikes at a Kohl’s location after he completed his job interview there. While he did not get the job at Kohl’s, he was swiftly hired as a pinch runner for the Oakland A’s.

ESPN.com released their quarterback projections for the 2019 season. They made predictions like Flacco to Miami, Bridgewater to the New York Giants, and Bortles to hot dog stand number 30 at TIAA Bank Field.

The Cher Show actor Jerrod Spector called out Kanye West for scrolling through his social media feeds during opening night of Cher’s Broadway production. While West defended himself via a rep by saying he was setting up a meeting with President Trump, I think we all know he was looking up voodoo spells to reverse the Kardashian Kurse.

5 Jokes: Trump, Deez Nuts, Tom Brady, Kim Jong-Un

A successful porn website released a Donald Trump parody. You thought the real Trump was hard on immigrants…

A 15-year-old Iowan declared his candidacy for president under the assumed name “Deez Nuts.” In North Carolina, he polled at 9% just ahead of Weak Field and Were N. Trouble.

It looks like Under Armour has no plans to scrap Tom Brady as their pitchman. Their new ad campaign comes complete with the slogan “No, it’s YOU who’s supposed to be air-tight.”

During the Chicago Bears’ pre-season game on Saturday, the team’s Twitter page put in the wrong handle for WR Jordan Bellamy, including the handle for an English guy with the same name. The Englishman should be glad this didn’t happen last year, because his special moment would have been overshadowed by Alshon Jeffrey of Ireland.

The South Korean defense department scrutinized its neighbor to the north, deeming their movement of submarines excessive. When I read the defense minister talking about North Korea “using 10 times more than normal” at first, I thought he was talking about Kim Jong-Un’s hair gel.

Jokes: Kylie Jenner, Scott Walker, Duff Beer, Doughnuts!

Kylie Jenner made news when she proclaimed herself “the new Kim Kardashian.” She’s starting off on the right foot because that statement was leaked by Vivid Entertainment.

A 108-year-old woman threw out the first pitch at a Seattle Mariners game. Everyone in the organization was delighted by the arm on her except for struggling rookie relief pitcher Mayckol Guaipe.

More on baseball…Chicago Cubs owner Todd Ricketts has recently played a fundraising role for Wisconsin governor Scott Walker’s presidential campaign. It’s a match made in heaven. Scott Walker is inexperienced with world affairs and the Cubs are inexperienced with world series.

For all The Simpsons fans out there, plans are in place to distribute actual Duff Beer. Currently, the only place Americans can drink it is at the Universal Studios theme park. You can find it at the “Just Tell My Kid I’m in the Can” tavern.

Not long after this doughnut licking scandal, Ariana Grande posted an apology video where she mentioned that she was disgusted with herself. You know? I’ve said the exact same thing after wolfing down 4 Krispy Kremes.

Week 2

The European Union Monitoring Center for Drugs found that London flushes the most amount of cocaine down the toilet. When London’s mayor was reached for comment, he responded that this study is ridiculous and asked for a recommendation for a good place to get a plunger.

Ben Carson’s presidential campaign was rocked this past week when four campaign officials left his team. Just in case Ben sees this….Ben, I know you’re worried that you won’t win without some seasoned assistance. I have some good news! You’re not going to win this year but look at your competition. You could easily come in 3rd with some 16-year-old whose got a lot of free time this summer as your finance chairman.

Legislators in Maine have proposed banning powdered alcohol, which is like adult Tang. The only way to tell the difference between the two is how much more popular your kid is when they get home from school.

The Oprah Winfrey Network pulled Jay Williams’ reality show about his 34 children from 17 different women. The network is probably doing it to protect themselves from unwanted criticism this show could possibly produce. Hey, at least somebody’s using protection.

Paris Hilton’s sister Nicky had her bachelorette party over the weekend. Several photos had to be posted to Paris’ Instagram as Nicky’s social media pages were inducted into the deep web 8 years ago.

Notes: Don’t procastinate. I did.

Week 1

Johnny Depp could face up to 10 years in prison for smuggling his dogs into Australia. Prosecuting attorneys have been lobbying to throw Tim Burton in with him as well.

On Monday, the White House posted a photo of a toddler throwing a tantrum in front of the president. Obama wasn’t phased at all. He said Boehner does that to him on a weekly basis.

Time Magazine reported that Pope Francis said he misses eating pizza and hasn’t watched TV since 1990. After making these remarks, he drove off in his Chevette and popped in his tape of “Groove is in the Heart.”

The Anaheim Ducks, the team Emilio Estevez vocally cheers for on Twitter, beat the Chicago Blackhawks, putting them ahead 3-2 in the series. The Ducks have strength and longevity…just like Emilio Estevez’s career.

A Montana high school teacher got major media attention when he told his students that they don’t have to take their final if Taylor Swift calls him. In a related story, students at an Idaho high school demanded a final when Taylor Hanson showed up at their class.

Notes: I’m still trying to come up with a system for local news stories. I’m at the “throwing a dart at U.S. map” level at the moment.